Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Dynamic Balance in Couples Therapy

On the theme of the proper "client" in couples therapy, let's talk a bit more about
the challenge of finding the dynamic balance of needs, preferences, personality styles priorities and dreams in a healthy committed relationship. Since we have proposed that the proper client is indeed the relationship, and not merely accommodating two individuals, finding this dynamic balance is an ongoing creative process requiring attention, awareness, willingness, commitment and skill, and not, as is sometimes imagined "automatic". In other words, it takes work.

Example: he often feels abandoned, unappreciated, disrespected and dismissed in the marriage, and as a result becomes either withdrawn or angry or both. She has a need for a lot of structure and personal space, and can be quickly reactive and curt when things aren't done the way she imagines that they need to be done. This dance goes on with slight variations, and it is difficult for this couple to catch themselves in the midst of it, in order to see the dynamics as they exist, and negotiate desired changes,

Negotiate. This is a key. Almost everything, we might say, is negotiable, in a fundamentally loving and caring relationship, and it is in these negotiations that the balance we're after will be found. So, in session, he drops down into the most emotionally vulnerable place I've seen him, and cries deeply while talking about his desire to be "held" by her, literally held, rather than experience the distance that he often feels from her. She is receptive, but also somewhat cautious or reserved about her receptivity. As we explore, she shares that she doesn't always want physical contact between them to have to end up in sex, which she says is pretty much what he wants.

I assure them both that the terms of contact can be negotiated so that both parties can be satisfied, and that there can be the win-win outcome that we always ideally seek. This will require enhanced sharing/communication between them, compromise, self awareness, realistic needs assessment and skills for meeting these needs, as well as a developing recognition of which needs can be met within the relationship, and which, perhaps, cannot.






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