Sunday, January 17, 2010

A Simple Clarification

What about second, or third marriages? Or if not yet a marriage, what about the relationship after a divorce which has the potential to become a marriage?

One partner is pushing for the marriage, the commitment, while the other is holding back. This other, the one holding back, comes to see me, presumably to try to gain some insight about the situation. When, after some introductory banter and "reading" of the environment, I ask what has brought him in, he answers: "My girlfriend!" with a chuckle. From here we begin to explore the nature of the relationship from his perspective, some of the history that has led him to this point (they're both divorced), and what his feelings and wishes are regarding entering into another marriage.

Turns out that, on a scale of one to ten, he's at a nine when it comes to not ever wanting to experience again the pain of what he's gone through with his divorce. This doesn't bode well for another marriage with (having happened once, it could clearly happen again) the same potential. He's "committed to the relationship", but "not to a marriage". So is he then committed to the relationship? In light of his stated preference for ending the relationship rather than entering into a marriage, we might have to conclude that he is not?

Sometimes it just helps to talk with a professional to get a little clarity about where you're really at.





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