Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Real Work

Cultivating an ability to tolerate distress (Marsha Linehan's notion of "distress tolerance") in the form of uncomfortable, difficult, painful, frightening feelings;
developing a capacity for "sitting with" these kinds of experiences without necessarily doing anything about them (like trying to "get rid of" them; or even change them, for example);
learning to see the problem as this compulsive need/desire to "do" something about distress/discomfort, and NOT as the mere fact or reality of the presence of these experiences. These kinds of feelings and thoughts are by now part of the conditioned package of who you are. They aren't ever going to simply go away. Oh, too bad you say? Not really, I say.

Again, the real problem is in expecting and believing that you can somehow, magically as it turns out, make them disappear. THEN you'll be ok. This is simply a misdirected effort and a mistaken set of beliefs in action. The real work is about how to relate with these experiences, how to work with them creatively and constructively, so that more deliberate and conscious choices may be implemented, rather than remaining victim to what are automatic responses.

Oh yes, patience is required. And a much more accepting and compassionate relationship with yourself. But I can't do that, you say? Well, that's where the work lies. You'll have to learn, and practice, and make mistakes and get better at it over time. Most assuredly, it can be done.

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