Who's Who Anyway?

By which I mean, who is it that we are really relating with and reacting to in our intimate or "significant other" relationships? Who is it that is triggering our reactions? Is it the person in front of us, the one with whom we are interacting, or is it really our parent or other early childhood caregiver. You know, the one who has had such a profound and lasting effect on us; the one who has shaped our thoughts and needs and feelings and expectations and unconscious goings on regarding close interactions with a very close "other"?

And the answer is...........................
Number Two!

It would be a very serious mistake to believe that you escape your conditioning, or that you haven't been conditioned by your early experiences, for better or for worse, or that you somehow, miraculously, and alone in all the world, function according to simple, known, or chosen beliefs and values and decisions. In order to be able to approach doing this would require years of self reflection, insight, wrestling with habits and established patterns of behavior, and not a little bit of good luck and grace. In other words, it don't come naturally (or automatically).

Given this then, learning to recognize our reactive patterns, and to make desirable changes in these areas, and to separate our "automatic" responses to old relationships from what's going on in the here and now, and from who is happening in the here and now, becomes essential to relationship and to personal health. Just insight alone won't do it. Oh yes, I'm a modern, liberated, self sufficient so and so. I know all of this. I wouldn't dream of holding my husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner/lover to those old, outdated gender roles, etc. Why is it then, that when I don't get things the way I expect them, I get so frustrated, or angry, or condescending, or judgemental, or afraid, or shut down, or hurt, or feel so out of control?

Because I am reacting based on probably unconscious and well established patterns of thought, feeling and behavior, and not on what I have begun to integrate in the way of self understanding, emotional and spiritual healing, and real choice.










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